Spyborgs [Wii]

23 Sep 2009 at 14:04:41 by Spanner Spencer
Systems used to review this title: (WII)

I love beat-‘em-ups. When I was a kid, my mates and I made regular trips to Blackpool and Scarborough (being conveniently equidistant between the arcade capitals of the North) just to pour our own weight in 10p pieces into Double Dragon, Final Fight, Vigilante, Bad Dudes Vs, Dragonninja, Street Fighter, Street Wise, Aliens Vs Predator and so many other brainless, yet wonderful, fighting games.

Back then, you see, game developers didn’t feel much of a need to mutate good, solid brawling action with clichés, in an attempt to make them appealing to kids. Spyborgs suggests there was once just such an old fashioned, unapologetic beat-‘em-up hidden deep within its design, and it could have been precisely that if the production had stopped about half way through.

But it seems a committee got involved, probably made up of shirts and suits with a young family, who suddenly developed an opinion on the inappropriateness of video game violence since they started shopping at Mothercare and spending their Saturday mornings swapping nappy stories with other ingratiating parents at some noisy, sticky, responsibly-padded and supervised play group.

What was I saying? Oh aye. Spyborg has no balls. Seriously, were none of these game designers ever kids? They probably spent thousands of pounds on user testing and focus groups, when all they actually had to do was ask themselves what they wanted when they were kids. Did they want to learn, while they played? Did they want adults to guide them in a constructive use of ‘quality time’? Did they want entertainment that taught them lessons about equality, friendship and fair play?

Did they bollocks. They wanted to watch the films and play the games that everyone else played. The reason I rant so raucously is that Spyborgs could actually have been a simple, yet unabashedly awesome fighting game that’s inherently pick up and play, and satisfies those crunchy violent tendencies that are so much fun to vent.

Instead, it’s been warped into something that adults think kids want to play, and that adults think can be used to send a moral message, as well kicks and punches. The only message in Double Dragon was “If someone looks at your bird, put their teeth through the back of their head”, and that was more than enough education for us!

There’s some deeply shallow back story about the creation of the Spyborg Initiative to protect the world from evil by wearing tight fitting techno-armour (that must be a bugger to try and sit down in) and equipping your limbs with guns and weapons. After awakening from some unexplained blackout, you discover that the rest of the Spyborg have gone rogue, and being impressively diligent it’s your duty to get them back.

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