Mike Tyson Heavyweight Boxing Review

21 Apr 2008 at 18:30:25 by Paul Younger
Systems used to review this title: (PS2)

Every now and again there comes a game that is quite simply, one in a million. And then there is the game that appears to have been won at a car boot sale. Mike Tyson Heavyweight boxing is, I’m afraid, prime contender for the bargain basement trailer camp. Before wading into this review I must hold my hands up and confess with all humility that this disk has been sitting in my In-tray for quite some time now. To be more precise, it has been left in my bottom drawer jammed between a (slightly used) pair of emergency under wear and a well thumbed copy of a Swedish magazine which I swear I have never looked at. Every time the ed asked me for this review I have always (miraculously) been in the middle of a family emergency or engaged on the phone interviewing someone’s talking hamster. The truth is this game is about as much fun as shaving your body hairs with a blowtorch. Honestly. With the possible exception of Knock Out Kings, worthy boxing titles have been as thin on the ground as Don King’s list of real friends. And Atomic Planet’s foray into the ring is no angel when it comes to sinning. Oh, where do I start? How about if I let you read an open letter I have just this minute composed for the developers:

Dear Atomic Planet,

Thank you so much for sending me a copy of Mike Tyson Heavyweight Boxing. I am happy to tell you that the game arrived undamaged. After playing the game for quite a while, I do, however, have some questions you may be able to help me with.

A) Can you please enlighten me as to why the boxers hands appear to have lost all synchronisation with their feet? While the boxers are able to throw punches faster than a jackhammer, their feet appear to be wading through treacle. In practice this means that this letter (with a second class stamp) will get to you before my character can walk across the ring.

B) I am also curious to know just why some of the control buttons are so slow and unresponsive? While bashing away at the jab button produces immediate (if unsatisfying) results, other punches like the counter left take so long in responding that you suspect you’d do faster damage by criticising your opponents dress sense. Is this novel feature one of those “hidden features” you promised with the game?

C) By the way, may I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your remarkable achievement in the character creation field. My pals and I had a lot of fun creating a pug who looks just like the ed - so we can watch him getting knocked on his attitude. And boy does our character hit the canvass. It seems that in your career mode you forgot to give the new characters any special skills whatsoever. This of course means that he had to lose a lot of fights before I could upgrade any of his abilities. By the way, was it easier mathematics to price every upgrade in the “Skills” section at a cool $1m – despite the fact that a lost fight only earns you a miserable $123,000?

Oh, and mentioning the upgrades. Do they actually work? The ed, I mean the character I created, got knocked out 9 times just so that I could buy some stamina. But in the next fight with Philadelphia boxer Malik Scott guess what happened? Yup, my guy got knocked out again. I was so mad I could have bitten off my own ear. But I’m glad that I didn’t. If I had, I may have missed the commentators repeating the same thing they said about my last fight and the fight before that. “This is the sort of fight people talk about in years to come.” See, I’ve even learnt it by heart. By the way, how come you haven’t included any bio’s for the 16 featured boxers? Being something of boxing fan myself I do have some idea of who’s who in the ring. But you can imagine the row I had with my auntie when I tried telling her that heavyweight Frans Botha has never been Prime Minister of South Africa.

Oh yes, I would like to interrupt this letter to bring you a news flash: This is the year 2002. The graphics in this game are so dated they may already be listed on the national curriculum – under History Lessons. Maybe five years ago blocky characters that look as though they’ve just been carved from a fallen oak tree may have been excusable. But surely not now. Surely not after everyone’s seen Final Fantasy X, Metal Gear Solid 2, Wipeout Fusion. Need I go on? But wait. There were some good things in the game. Honest. I particularly liked the “Get Up Game” you sneakily inserted while no one was looking. My character got knocked down so much that hitting the buttons in sequence with the screen became quite a knack. After about 40 attempts I found that I could stagger to my feet despite the most savage mauling. Oh goody. The “Getting Cut” feature was a pretty good idea too. As I understand it, the more you get cut the more likely it is for the ref to stop the fight, right? It’s a shame that you forgot to include a ref in the ring with the boxers. Oh well, maybe next time.

The weather here is fine. I may re-read an old magazine I’ve just found in my bottom drawer because I have nothing else to do. But it was fun talking to you.

All ...

Comment