So it's over to Lee Tharjick

21 Aug 2008 at 13:12:03 by Lee Tharjick

Growlanser: Heritage of War

I was going to play this. It was somewhere near the top of my to-do list, between searching for a new internet porn niche and throwing up the vat of gin I had at lunchtime. However, on the way home I came into the possession of a crate of poppers and ended up seeing into the future. So, in order to meet the deadline, I had a butchers at the box.

I thought this anime lark was supposed to be all massive jugs and fighting. That's what I wanted, but it's not what I got. The cover of Growlanser sports some tattooed berk dressed like a slaggy mum at a council estate wedding.  Although he’s wearing this sleeveless, polar-neck maroon thing which is actually quite fetching.  Anyway, I digress.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, that twat on the cover. We'll call him Shirley. Shirley looks angry, like he's just found out the local Threshers has run out of Superkings. There's also what appears to be a nice bit of talent on the cover, but you can only see her head and it's impossible to tell if she has any limbs. So, in all honesty, I can't say whether I would. I need my women to have at least one limb.

Flipping over to the back cover we see Shirley now looks forlorn, like he's just been told he has to play through Growlanser properly before reviewing it. There's also some screenies that look fine and some shit about “Deadly Screapers”, which sounds suspiciously like an STD. “You comin' out on the pull tonight, Leona?” “Nah, I caught Screapers off that Shirley I met outside Threshers. My fanny looks like a hammered pepperami”.

After coming down from the poppers and realising I had only a couple of hours till my deadline, I thought about calling someone who's actually played the game. But I f**ed it off and called one of those sex lines they show after 2am on Nuts TV. I thought a filthy Japanese bird might be able to give me an insight into anime. She'd never heard of Growlanser either. I soon realised I had only my finely-honed journalistic talent at my disposal so I sat down, opened the box and almost put the disc in the PS2. Then I found more poppers.

So, in conclusion, Growlanser is a fascinating study of Japanese culture, complete with wry humour and a postmodern twist. It also supports an 8Mb memory card.  What more could you want?

I give it 8/10.

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