MMO Weekly: Things Not To Do

10 Aug 2010 at 03:47:46 by Jeff Hollis

Ahoy there, my gaming compadres, and welcome to this week's slightly too friendly edition of MMO Weekly.  In this week's write-up, we'll forsake our usual fare (i.e., talking about and occasionally making fun of MMOs), and instead we'll tell a cautionary tale.  Well, three cautionary tales.  But, see, they all have a similar theme, so it's really just one, big, long, highly detailed cautionary tale, told in three separate episodes with similar protagonists and secondary characters, all embracing the same outrageous ideas, all of which enlighten the reader as to the dangers of....oh, never mind!  Just read on, my fellow game geeks.

Thing Not To Do #1:

The lesson:  If you're a cougar, do not trade Xbox 360s for sex with teenage boys.  Also, do not document your peadophilia in text messages and photographs. 

The details:  42-year-old Christina Shreeve Hubbs apparently likes sex.  In fact, she likes it so much she solicits it from 15-year-old teenage boys.  Her specific technique involves giving them Xbox 360s, taking them to dinner, lending them her Visa card, buying them food, and then having sex with them.  This she did sixty-seven times. 

Christina was caught because she allowed one of her young paramours to photograph her naked.  When the young man's parents saw the photo, they called the police, who obtained a warrant, and then raided Christina's home. 

The warrant revealed additional bits of Christina's brilliance.  She had taken photographs of her having sex with the young men.  There were also lots of text messages implicating her in her crimes, and making it all too easy for the police to determine exactly how many times, and for how long, she'd been having sex with the young men.

The result:  Christina, who is married with two children, is currently in jail.  Her bail is set at more than four million dollars. 

Thing Not To Do #2:

The lesson:  You should not run away with your 14 year old girlfriend that you met playing WoW.  Ever.

The details:  Online romances generally do not translate well into offline romances.  That's doubly true if the woman of your dreams is in the eighth grade .  This lesson, however, was lost on 27 year old Morgan Jones, who fell in love with 14 year old Elaine Julian. 

And it was true, true love.  You can tell because Morgan, he had plans.  He drove from Alabama, where he lives, to Idaho, where his lady-love lives, to pick her up.  Then they both drove to Washington, where he and she ran off into the woods to live.  You know, like elves. 

Police caught up with them when they found Morgan's bright yellow car parked near the woods.  His license plate reads OMGROFL, so his car wasn't hard to spot.

The result:  Elaine was returned to her parents.  Morgan was sent to jail, where his new girlfriend weighs 300 pounds and is nicknamed “Bubba”. 

Update for Great Justice:  Morgan was sentenced to nine years of federal prison.  He's due to get out in 2018.

Thing Not To Do #3:

The lesson:  When you entice your under-aged boyfriend to fly off to a foreign country to be with you, and that plan fails, you shouldn't try to “work things out” with his parents.  They're pretty likely to be really, really upset with you. 

Also, if you somehow think that meeting your boyfriend's parents is a good idea, that your young boyfriend's parents will like you, that they'll find your romance to be reasonable, and that, in the end, you'll get to take your under-aged significant other away to a foreign country, you're still a pretty serious moron. 

The details:  31 year old Tamara Broome, from Adelaide, Australia, began an online romance with a young man half her age.  Broome and her young paramour met playing – you guessed it – World of Warcraft.  After a year of slaying orcs together, the two finally decided that they needed to get married. 

Broome's boyfriend, who had by then turned 17, tried to board a plane bound for Australia.  He was stopped, and things when downhill from there.  See, the authorities aren't big on underage minors flying off to foreign countries to be with their cougar girlfriends. 

Broome, who may not have been thinking very clearly, didn't see the writing on the wall.  She then boarded a plane to the U.S., where she planned on meeting with her young boyfriend and his parents.  You know, to sort everything out, because the young man's parents would allow the two lovers to fly off to Australia to be together for ever and ever. 

The result:  Broome was arrested upon her arrival to the U.S.  There was speculation that her young boyfriend's parents had set her up, possibly by sending her plane fare and encouraging her to come to the land of the free.  For Broome, America wasn't the land of the free for long; she ended up behind bars, with bail in excess of two million dollars. 

Dumfounding Update:  The charges against Broome were ultimately dismissed after she'd spent a month in jail.  A year later, Broome's boyfriend, John Martini, boarded a plane for Australia the moment he turned 18.  The two have been together ever since, and now they have a daughter. 

It's creepy, but we wish them all the best.

What is the moral of these three stories?  The moral is this:  do not, if you are an adult, use gaming to hook up with the under-aged.  It's highly unethical.  You will go to jail.  You may go to jail for a very, very long time.  Also, you deserve to have your balls cut off.  (Hey, just sayin')

For all the kids out there, do not think that online romances will work out.  That man or woman of your dreams is really a creepy pedophile.  Also, it's really, really hard to date someone once your parents find out, since the love of your life will be headed off to prison.

Also, when they get arrested, you will not be able to bail them out.  No matter how much money you get from mowing lawns, and no matter how much of your allowance you've saved up in your piggy bank, it's never going to add up to the millions of dollars of bail money they'll need. 

Alright my fellow gamers, we have to wrap up this week's edition of MMO Weekly.  If you found this absurdly amateurish attempt at journalism entertaining, please feel free to come and visit us over at Coolorama.com  where we cover this kind of nonsense each and every day.  For now, ciao!

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