The hottest Valentine’s Day dates from the world of PC gaming!
Hi guys! (and gals!) It’s your IncGamers wingman here, with some perfect digital dates to chase away those Valentine’s Day blues.
Our sexy box of binary has no shortage of hunkotronic singles looking for love and lust. So whether you’re after a virtual fling or long-term RAM romance, these digital darlings all have the equipment to put something hard in your drive!!
The Illusive Man (Mass Effect 3)
Everyone loves an enigma, but it won’t take you long to reap the rewards of a relationship with this power-crazed stud! He doesn’t just have your best interests at heart, he’s looking out for all of humanity – and he’s not afraid to get genocidal to do it!! Never mind indoctrination, this hottie is all about inHOTtrination, right ladies!?
The Perfect Date: Putting your bodies on the line to prevent Commander Shepard seeing the ending of Mass Effect 3.
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: 2/3 Cerberus heads.
High Overseer Campbell (Dishonored)
You can’t spell sacrilegious without relig .. uh … rilegious!! If you have a pulse, this hunky pervert won’t think twice about welcoming you into his flock. Anything goes in Kinky Campbell’s underground sex chamber – group stuff, branding with pokers, assassination – you name it! They don’t call him the Thigh Overseer for nothing!!
The Perfect Date: A trip to the Flooded District – but bring some Elixir in case Campbell gets the sniffles. Wouldn’t want a deadly plague ruining your swampy fun!!
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: 7/7 broken Strictures.
Brenda St. John (The Walking Dead)
Look out boys (and gals!) there’s a cougar on the prowl and she’s looking for a tasty young thing to get her teeth into – literally!! If it’s homecooked meals you’re after, this matriarchal MILF knows just how to warm your heart, and all your other body parts … on a slow flame! Get between this hot momma bear and her two cubs and she’ll go cannaballistic. But treat her right and you just might find someone who wants you right inside her, right now!!
The Perfect Date: A farmhouse retreat (rapid.)
Hottie-erotie Rating: 1/5 courses. No dessert.
Jacket (Hotline Miami)
You’ll be in for some late nights and even later mornings with this naughty boy, but he’s a cut, slice, stab and bludgeon above the rest!! Phone sex is right out, but he’s an animal in the sack! (and the apartment, and the nightclub, and the police station.) Put a “ring ring” on this Hottie-line before it’s too late (geddit??!)
The Perfect Date: A quiet night in with pizza, a video and untreated psychosis.
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: A real hero. A real human being.
Motor-Runner (Fallout: New Vegas)
Needles to say, you don’t need to be off your face on mind-altering chemicals to see that this drug pusher could provide a real injection of excitement! Sure he’s a bit of a fiend, but holding down such an important position makes this Mojave macho man a real catch. Plus he’s a pet owner!! That caring side sure gets my motor running, if you know what I mean ladies.
The Perfect Date: A murderous trip to Vegas.
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: Off the Geiger counter.
The Gaping Dragon (Dark Souls)
I know what you’re thinking boys, but this beastly beauty won’t bite … much!! Not into vagina dentata? Then you’d better say den-ta-ta to any chance of scoring with this depths-dwelling diva! Plenty of other adventurers want to snap up some quality time with our darling dungeon dragon, so I guess she makes them plenty wet down in their depths!!
The Perfect Date: Spelunking with basilisks.
Hottie-erotie Rating: YOU DIED.
Mom (The Binding of Isaac)
There’s no danger of tripping over the kid with this single mum – her little sprog is safely locked away in the basement. Can I get an Hallelujah??! Voices in her head make her do stuff, so maybe they’ll make her do you too!! It’s an opportunity of biblical proportions. And speaking of proportions, this is one lady who loves to get her gigantic leg over!! (your fragile head) You know what they say about those Catholic girls!!?
The Perfect Date: Church.
Hottie-erotie Rating: The Holy Trinity.
Ghom (Diablo 3)
When this guy sits around the house, he sits around the house!! But he’s big boned in other departments, if you know what we’re saying gals? Getting a seat in your favourite restaurant is a stinky breeze with this flatulent fellow around! Stop sitting around fantasising, take the first bold step towards starring in your very own production of Ghom With The Wind!!
The Perfect Date: A trip to the auction house.
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: Vast.
The Chryssalid (XCOM: Enemy Unknown)
Take an intergalactic chance on this beefy piece of inhu-man-meat from beyond the stars, for a date that’ll be out of this world!! Ladies, you just won’t believe how eager he is to leap into your arms and implant you with sexy embryos. No fear of commitment here – it’s all fatal breeding, all of the time!! [Ok, that’s enough Perfect Videogame Dates – Ed.]
The Perfect Date: A richly populated civilian city.
Hunk-o-tronic Rating: 95% chance of a critical romance [You’re fired – Ed.]
- IncGamers Podcast #69 14/2/12