Balls deep in Saints Row: The Third’s Whored Mode [Preview]

27 Oct 2011  by   John Robertson
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Leading up to this hands-on session with Saints Row: The Third I’d played the previous two games in the series for (roughly) a combined two hours. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy them, I just didn’t have the required amount of time to indulge when the opportunity presented itself. Basically, I’ve played enough to know that they’re pretty crazy – a bit like Grand Theft Auto might have been if it was designed by a porn and/or drug fiend.
However, Whored Mode is something else – even by Saints Row standards it’s kinda crazy. It starts in fairly usual fashion with a stage and character select screen, but even there the Saints Row ‘spirit’ is present and correct. There are three stages, one set in a casino, one on a ‘zombie island’ and another on an enormous open-air space craft hovering over the city of Steelport. Included among the character selection are a cowgirl, a latex-clad ‘superhero’, a top-hatted Baron Samedi lookalike and a leather clad gimp.
Yep, a gimp. In Saint’s Row that’s normal, elsewhere it’s barely acceptable.
And that’s not even the half of it. After the selecting the gimp (c’mon, you would do the same) and the floating spaceship map we enter the game proper. And what a game! Wave one: use a blow up sex doll to defeat baseball bat wielding angel and demon whores (i.e. whores with horns or halos). Don’t tell me how a sex doll works as a weapon, but it does. In Whored Mode the less you explain the better it works.
With her gaping holes and startled expression, our judge-not-lest-thee-be-judged rubber friend makes short work of the whores. Time for wave two.

To our surprise, wave two doesn’t feature whores at all. Instead, we square off against a bunch of floating purple question marks – question marks as in ‘?’. It’s bizarre, it truly is. Rather than the stuttering, indecisive bunch you may expect question marks to be, these carry uzi’s and they mean business. Still, we’ve got double uzi’s. In any game double uzi’s are a winner and it’s no different here.
Other waves see you commandeering a tank and taking out brutes (think ‘Bane’ from Batman) and weirdos in bunny outfits, a long-range battle against midget whores with sniper rifles, zombie whores and roller blading whores. Our absolute favourite from what we’ve seen so far, though, is the wave of dildo loving whores.
I know, I know. All whores probably like a good dildo, but these are no ordinary instruments of pleasure. These dildos are purple. These dildos are floppy. These dildo are big. Big, purple, floppy dildos… can you say gaming perfection? Not that I’m into that sort of thing…
What’s best about the wave of dildo whores (only in Saints Row is that sentence not a pun) is that you get to wave one about yourself. It’s a dildo battle showdown. If you’ve got a friend you can play in co-op and wave floppy purple dildos at each other. Not got a friend? Get online and find a likeminded, dildo-loving soul.
Your success in a wave is determined by how quickly you can clear the enemies. For us this has generally been between 30 seconds and two minutes, which seems about right – any shorter and you wouldn’t have time enough to absorb the craziness, any longer and the joke would probably get old. That’s not to say that it’s easy, on wave nine we died four times before clearing the pack (that was playing alone, though).
Can you ever have too many giant purple dildos in a game? You’ll have to wait until next week to find out the answer to that when we publish our interview with the psychos responsible for this particular piece of high-brow gaming.
Right, back to the whore bashing. (And I thought I’d had enough of ‘Horde’ style game modes.)
P.S. We do not have anything against whores in real life. We respect your right to choose. 

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